John Mayer – I Will Be Found (Lost At Sea)

 

It doesn’t matter where you roam
When no one’s left to call you home
I might have strained a bit too far
I’m countin’ all the moonlit stars

I’m a little lost at sea
I’m a little birdie in a big old tree
Ain’t nobody looking for me
Here out on the highway

But I will be found
I will be found
When my time comes down
I will be found

Somedays, I think it’s all okay
Some nights, I throw it all away
I saw her face and I could tell
My ghost had left the town as well

I’m a little lost at sea
I’m a little birdie in a big old tree
Ain’t nobody looking for me
Here out on the highway

But I will be found
I will be found
When my time comes down
I will be found

I’m a little lost at sea
I’m a little birdie in a big old tree
Ain’t nobody looking for me
Here out on the highway

Baby, I’m a runaway train
Baby, I’m a feather in a hurricane
Maybe it’s a long grey game
But maybe that’s a good thing

‘Cause I will be found
I will be found
When my time comes down
I will be found

So I keep runnin’ ’til my run is gone
Keep on ridin’ ’til I see that dawn
And I will be found
I will be found

 

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Reflections on March 2016:

It was the best of times it was the worst of times; it was devastating, it was fun; it was triumphant it was chaotic.

After rejection, heartache, being ignored, being neglected and facing so much cruelty from every avenue in life I finally got my piece of success and a chance to establish a path for myself.

It felt rough. Although I have since made friends with those that attended my event the doubts of the past crept up because every former opportunity to make friends in the past just crumbled, nothing would stick, people were fake, they would act so rudely to my face for no reason, I hadn’t yet learned that wolves in sheep’s clothing’s are widespread. It made me feel so much unease with people. But now I believe I have found friends for life.

I got so depressed after the event and even when I made attempts to meet up with my new friends I was terrified they’d let me down or abruptly turn on me as so many others have done in the past. And that’s the problem: THE PAST. I NEED TO GET OVER THE PAST.

Before March 2016 I had NO friends, nobody in my vicinity to turn to and I had been single for years. It was an illogical and sickening time. Before I can even discuss the success I’ve had, I have to articulate the pain.

The pain that weighs so heavy on my heart and overwhelms me. The pain of being disappointed by every type of person/social group: friends/peers, family, colleagues, teachers, doctors and even a priest. Most importantly I’ve understood that an omission/a failure to act does not validly support nor does it have the right to exist as a thought/opinion that “oh people do like you, they’re just shy that’s why they’ve not said anything.” NO they made their choice, how are you supposed to know what a person is really like if they are not straight with you, if they keep quiet. It is dishonesty and I have no tolerance for dishonesty.¬†The people of the past¬†failed to show up, they FAILED to acknowledge me and it almost got me killed. There is a natural segment for people who are introverted and I am understanding of that but the rest are just a disappointment and a disgrace. How can you ignore talent, intelligence and beauty when it is in your vicinity? Quite frankly: how dare you?

But I didn’t have to apply these thoughts of disappointments to these NEW people I’ve met. They showed up, they took a chance on me when we were strangers and they’ve¬†been straight-up nice to my face.

The other factor was that maybe people just want a piece of me.. That’s a tough pill to swallow and I suppose it comes with the territory when you pursue and succeed at a path few can achieve.

There’s been something of a grieving process because there’s so much that I’ve just never had, there’s no connection to the past. There’s a huge period of my life where I was just alone, no friends, no boyfriend, no best friend, nobody who knows what my favourite book is, nobody who knows what music I like…. The list is endless. How would you feel if there was not one single person in the world who could answer simple questions about yourself?It’s almost like having to grieve yet again about all that never was and never will be.

All of a sudden literally overnight having people actually speak to me and be straight up nice to my face was a shock to the system, it’s something that I had wanted and needed yet rarely received so for it to all happen at once ended up having the reverse effect when I came home. It was so shocking and it was so long awaited it felt like a slap in the face. It made me depressed. On reflection I see I cannot see things that way as these new faces are nothing like the people of the past and they deserve no comparison to those people from before.¬† I cannot bare to think of what state I would be in if recent events did not go well. If success made more depressed, I don’t know if I’d even still be here if things didn’t go swimmingly.

I feel I paid too high a price for what I have now made alone by myself for myself. ¬†The only reward I have is to take it as far as I can and even that’s a tough path. I have no other choice the former would kill me, it almost did two years ago. I don’t even dare wander or allow it to enter my my mind about having a best friend or boyfriend because that’s too big a thing to expect from anyone; I can’t ignore the past at the end of the day people are who they are and tend to lean towards simply “just not.” Inaction is commonplace. Why else would there by a million-dollar motivational ‘industry’. It’s like I just need to see things for what they are but sadly the truth can be so obvious it is quite simply becomes HIDDEN in plain sight. But I do have a growing circle of friends which seemed an impossibility even in January 2016. My new friends are so valuable to me.

It’s hard knowing how to acknowledge the truths and harsh realities you’ve learnt from the past yet still give new people the benefit of the doubt and just clearly see them for who they are. I had done that for so long previously yet kept being disappointed it can destroy a person’s outlook. Suffice to say the people of the past were just plain wrong for me and the sooner I forget them the better. It was a series of unfortunate disappointing and rude encounters for no reason. It was at times maddening and nobody should have to face that kind of treatment.

It’s bittersweet because there’s such a huge cut off from age 16 until now that I’ll never have that young love I craved. I’ll never have that simple hometown kinda love and just have someone love me for me. Sometimes I wander if a guy is ever actually going to like the real me or just the fantasy of Catherine Vaughan because by the time I meet someone new I’ll be this established writer and performer there’s a big star shine quality to it and I don’t want a guy to be enchanted by that external shine and miss out on seeing my soul. Then again I never really had a guy like me for me before anyway they just picked whatever side of me they liked and focused on it and it was frustrating anyways which only fuels my sense of loss even more….. It’s just one more sad experience and something else I’ve lost out on.

If it’s something you’ve never had they why bother thinking about it? Well it¬†feels integral to one’s well-being. It’s just something you’re supposed to have. Its absence is a strong presence…. It’s bad enough when on top of everything you’re entire existence: childhood, teen years just everything was so unhappy, no consistent parental connection, no¬†memories of having grandparents and family gatherings. Just nothingness and wasted youth. People doing nothing but wasting your life away.¬†The list of have-not’s is endless you just have nobody and the worst part is you’re this creative genius and nobody can see it or worse they don’t want to acknowledge it and worst of all they go to great lengths to ignore you, block you and try to stop you getting opportunities.

The saddest part is that I cannot perform again not for a very long time because it just makes me more depressed and near suicidal from the stress and anxiety of having to organize and set up the before/during and after elements of the event and the fact that these poems I write bring back painful memories from childhood and beyond. It’s like reliving the past and reading your diary out in public. I hate the huge price I’ve had to pay to get a chance at anything in life, everything was bought with my blood and I wander when will the pain end, when does it get easier?

I guess all I can do is keep on keeping on and just hope people get on my wavelength because truthfully that is the only thing that has changed. I’ve just finally had a circle of people accept and embrace me. Life is nothing without people accepting and just acknowledging you’re alive. If you don’t have that you honestly have nothing. You can be the best brain surgeon on the planet but if there’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing in the way you’ll lose that job and won’t be able to save lives. Your talent, skill and dedication to health care will become negated. What’s worse is that such scenario’s exist in life and it’s such a waste. You really are nobody until you have somebody. Essentially if the people around you are not the right people they are the wrong people.

People need people, we just have to pray that people choose the right people and don’t let the good¬†get beaten down into invisibility which is the cruelest state to put a soul in by the scum of the earth: wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Love Catherine Logo Trans

 

On writing about darkness:

A lot of my writing from poetry to prose explicitly or indirectly talks about pain and darkness. This is unintentional. I just can’t control it sometimes. I have a new novel coming out this spring it is called “Welcome to Wonderland.” It is a Bohemian Love story with many beautiful but equally devastating plot twists.

They say write about what you know and the only thing I know and have experienced about life are good fortune at times and devastating, unimaginable lows.

There is a passage is this upcoming book that says how a couple of the villains in the book are so twisted you would be lucky if they paid to have you beaten to death. Their punishment of choice? Driving their enemy to commit suicide. Initially I felt unease. This is dark stuff. Notably there is no violence or disturbingly graphic scenes.

But that line: drive an enemy to the big S word we never talk about. That is deep. It may seem outlandish or cruel but we forget to acknowledge reality. In the book it is a certain wealthy character that has this dark drive.

My focus in my writing is to tell a compelling story with beauty, culture juxtaposed with the sadness and pain of life because we don’t just have the former alone. There is always truth in what I write, I can’t help it, it just comes out. I’m pretty perceptive and intuitive. Some mistake my sharp, deep and terse writing for deliberate infliction of distress. It is not. I could never do that. I’m just accurate in identifying the universal strand of truth and suffering. My brain automatically assesses or creates information/content from first principles thus there is always maximum coverage/depth from the simplest idea I merely think of. I can’t help it. If you think a villain uttering the words that he’d rather drive an enemy to suicide is too dark: let’s take a detour. This following analogy came after I wrote the dark passage. I know that what I write is more that what is typed. It is universal and it’s powerful to utter the stories we don’t dare speak up. It is hard but it must be¬†told, the only acceptable form to do so is fiction.

Imagine an 11 year old boy who has just moved to a new town and has started high school.

boy

His parents have split up, he is the new kid, he lives in a block of flats; no garden; no park to play in. His father works full-time and has a new girlfriend so there’s not much one-on-one time with his son. He’s finding it hard to make friends. He’s the shortest boy in the class and a little skinny. One kid in gym class picks on him as he is partnered up with the prettiest and tallest girl in class. More boys join in on the teasing. They say he’s short, he’s ugly. He goes home and hardly sees any of his old friends on social media because they’ve forgotten about him by now. So he adds some people from his class in an attempt to make new friends. Some reject the “friend request” others accept. He’s not great at sports- just Maths. But it’s not cool to do your maths homework so in a bid to fit in he stops too. At first the boys kinda let him in a little subject to him letting them copy from him for homework and future tests. The kid that first picked on him adds him on facebook. He’s kinda relieved, maybe he wants to be friends. So he accepts the friend request, but the boy is no different online.

Now he just has more fuel to bully him. He finds old photos of him wearing glasses and calls him ugly. They make sly comments about him not having any friends. They label him gay. It gets worse and worse. He tells his Dad who just says “hey don’t worry about it.” He’s torn between even finishing his homework because the cool kids don’t and he wants to fit in. His grades slip, teachers bemoan about the slip in grades. They don’t acre to ask why he’s gone from an average ‘B’ to ‘D-‘. They just label him as not bright and non-compliant with school work. He confides in one teacher that it’s been 6 months and he has not made one friend, teacher’s dismiss his pain say he just needs to be more confident- to stop worrying. His Dad says join the weekend football team. Sadly those horrid boys from school are already on the team and he’s crap at sports anyway. He wants to take up the clarinet again but Dad can’t afford the fees. He has to have a special free lunch for¬†school because he is from a low-income household. He has an aunt nearby but she’s got three kids under 10 and is always busy. She does love her nephew but she has too much on her plate. So he stays indoors after school and the weekend. He starts a little blog on Warhammer and games like that. But before you know it the kids at school have found it and take the mick.

Every possible route to a supposed ‘normal kid life’ is blocked or mocked: his Dad, teachers, friends (or lack there of), hobbies, family etc. So what is that 11 year old child supposed to do? He can’t just pack up and move to his Mother’s who is 4 hours away with a new man. He could face even more rejection at another new school and what would his Dad think of him for choosing his Mum instead. He feels trapped. He is trapped. There’s only so much an 11 year old boy can do.

Then on Facebook someone at school calls him a “loner” that he would be better off dead. He thinks this over. He believes it is true. So tell me does that scenario by all¬†those¬†people¬†surmount¬†to someone being driven to suicide?

You think suicide is selfish and depression is indulgent. Sometimes it is the only logical state of mind and state of being a person can feel given their circumstances. Obviously people are not always intentionally driving someone to that state but others are even if they do not notice it.

Ergo my writing is not unnecessarily dark it coneys truths. The truths we do not want to face or hear about. Unfortunately these dark circumstances happen everyday. The least we could do is be pleasant to people. So yeah my writing may upset people but it has to be written, it is not what you originally think and finally I could never write something to maliciously hurt someone. Never. But my writing ends up bleeding truth whether I want it to or not. All I intended was to write a sweet love story with Bohemians, creatives, billionaires and poets and something bigger than myself came out, darker than I ever imagined. I’m never trying to be political or take a dig at society. That’s not my intention. My writing is deep and sophisticated it can satisfy superficial¬†whims alongside one’s propensity towards depth and meaning. Ultimately my next book is a moving, deep and pensive book. It is also an enjoyable read, it will be an emotional roller coaster but you will have been glad to have read it and it ends on a most intriguing, beautiful and heartfelt scene.

Copyright © Catherine Vaughan 2016.

 

On suffering:

I guess now I understand The Glory of Suffering. I could never understand Jesus growing up. The concept of him being a suffering God. That he was a sacrificial lamb. I detested the immense focus on suffering in Christianity; how it was glorified.

But now as I get older I see the reason I turned so far away from Jesus was because he reflected my own suffering and he was the physical and spiritual embodiment of the most grotesque of sufferings: when good people are emotionally, psychologically and physically beaten to death.

My whole life had been endless misery. Devastating event after event, tragedy after tragedy and nobody to turn to. Every single source of help or comfort was annihilated. Everybody let me down. It would drive one to take a gun to their head if they knew my life. But I cannot discuss it in an attempt to protect those not innocent.

I heard passages about how God loves us that all things work out for the greater good. Yet I saw no happy ending anywhere: not in my life not in others. I’m not a cynic but I don’t believe in happy endings.

Growing up my biggest inspirations were Britney Spears and John Mayer and now they’re older and they are not with anybody. It makes me sad. But maybe a happy ending is a false idol. What if it is unnecessary? That is not to say true happiness cannot be found in and with someone else. Anything is possible. Though this negates the fact that generally speaking humans are broken and if they have not been broken they are doing the breaking and inflicting pain in some capacity. Most¬†significantly is that humans are disappointing creatures. I’m not saying every person is, it’s just that people tend to lean on that way of being. It’s not always intentional it just is.

There is liberation to be found from true and non-self-caused suffering. You see deeply into the mechanics of humanity. It becomes a warning sign. You receive the truth and it is brutal. But we must not allow it to dictate our lives. Sure the suffering others impose upon us can alter the entire path of our lives but we must strive for Victory and believe in God’s promise that all things work out for the greater good even when we have been thrown into Hell for no reason.

I decided to be a Writer at 15. I’m a person of integrity I fulfill duty, responsibility as well as my dreams. Sometimes we have to be careful for what we wish for. The time from that decision to now has been devastating. If you knew my life you would ¬†label me a Masochist for saying that everything worked out as she should be I am exactly where I need to be. I know pain and I understand life and I am still very young. At least I cannot be surprised anymore. There is none of that gut-wrenching shock when people attack or omissions arise. I have been exposed to the true nature of humanity and now I understand why¬†“we are all sinners.”

That’s not to say I am a saint¬†I am aware of my flaws. But the only way to accept the prolonged suffering I have had is to accept the fact that humans are cruel but not everybody is. I don’t hope for good people, I don’t long for understanding. I no longer hope that the love I crave be returned to me. I have given up on Hope and the powerful part is, is that it no longer hurts me to walk alone. I have God and my faith and that is enough these days. I am also pursuing my writing. I have interests and activities that truly fulfill me. I also cannot deny the fact that from a social media lens my life does look exciting and glamorous. It is. Maybe travel and adventure is my reward in life. Perhaps I’m being prepared for bigger things… I’ve had the shattering lows and the parallel highs are for the taking.

I think back to my youth, home alone, nobody acknowledging my pain, being ignored, horrific things occurring and I wandered how did I survive it? Well I just got curious. I discovered great guitarists, art, I did drawings and I consumed myself in my passions. I had the cure back then. It is the only way. There are only two sources of unconditional joy in life and that is Faith and immersing yourself in your passion. It doesn’t mean you drop your day job and start a rock band. (But hey you could: anything is possible.) You just have to explore and find something that makes you overjoyed to be alive and we can all find it.¬†This I promise you. Just get curious, be obsessive it can be over anything but not anyone. We cannot hope to preserve that bond we had with a childhood best friend and no lover on earth can fill the void we have inside us.

But nature, art, science- anything not human- your pet, numbers, words they can satisfy you if you are brave enough to accept this truth. Life will never be perfect- it doesn’t have to be. I believe there is a greater destination we are to aim for and do anything we can to get into: Heaven. Life is unsatisfying and that’s okay. There are so many incredible highs we can accomplish: graduation, employment, births, travel, hobbies, gatherings with loved ones.

Life may have broken and defeated me but I¬†still keep going, I am strong and I accomplish a heck of a lot on the way. I will never succumb to despair anymore. I’m not here to sell you a line and say “Life is Beautiful.” Life can be magical and amazing but there can also be immense pain and disappointment. We must be realistic of this intense physics of extreme. We must also be humble and accept that we are lucky for the simple things.

Sometimes my writing saddens me because they are all about pain. But my writing is a cathartic process of pulling out the thorns and daggers life has cruelly wounded me with. I am wiser and highly perceptive and intuitive and empathetic. There is clarity and power in my writing and it is all hard earned. If we are to pursue what we love in life we have to earn it. When I stand up and do a poetry reading, it may be a poem about a past experience or a fictitious piece but I write it and say it with raw emotion because I have felt nearly every type of despair on earth. When I read a poem I say it with conviction because I earned my Right to Write. I had the long hard battle in life and the Victory is sweet. It is also bittersweet.

I know how cruel life can be I know loneliness and I know how unbearable it is to be alone. I have felt so I alone I have trembled violently as if about to self-combust. Sadly we do not die from these battle scars. It would be easier if we did. The only solace I can give anybody else also going through the same pain is a meditation I do.

I visualize myself in the arms of Jesus. I am weak, I have collapsed he is holding me and he raises me up to the sky. I believe that he’s holding me high up to heal me. Another visualization is I imagine my heart is out of my body and in Jesus’s hand it is visibly damaged with stab wounds, cuts etc. I imagine Jesus putting his other hand over my heart and healing it for me. I try to imagine the scars and scabs vanish but I cannot, though I have faith Jesus will restore me someday, one day.

All that matters in life is that I be bold and daring always. I may be broken but I am not dead and that means I have not lost out. As painful as life is there is some gift to obtain even if it just to stare at the clouds.

When I nearly died the 3rd time I was driven to put an end to my life. It happened on my birthday despite all my optimistic planning: go to London, hotel booked and everything. But I was surrounded by too many bad people and life overthrew me. So ‘it’ happened. But now I see all my suffering is similar to Christ’s. It is nowhere near his level of suffering. Here I was thinking I almost died and this is how people treat me. Yet look what we did to the only begotten son. Christ had it worse. That’s not to discount our own suffering but I now understand why we must turn to Jesus: he is the only one that understands.¬†It is devastating that our only salvation is not even physically here and that can make us feel more alone. In part we are alone. “You’re no one until someone let’s you down,” there’s no other place to put hope in like a friend or institution. The trick is to see this truth, accept it and not slip into¬†despair. Nobody is gonna rescue you….

Lastly suicide is never an option. My only reason is that to do so would send a soul to Hell.

If any of this resonates with you. I guess all I can say is pray and just take that leap of faith and believe that God has you in the palm of his hand. And pray for Jesus. Nobody ever says that but pray for him because I know he’s looking down on the world and he is devastated. I know Jesus is more powerful, I believe he is in Heaven and that Heaven is a happy place. When I say pray for Jesus I mean consider him in your prayers as¬†you would pray for a loved one’s happiness so pray for his also. It is an act of honoring him.¬†We so easily forget about him…

Through Christ I became able to understand all the suffering inflicted on me. And being the romantic poet as I am I would dare to label myself a victim soul. I am in this world but not of this world….

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ’s side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints

and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen
Copyright © Catherine Vaughan 2016