Reflections on March 2016:

It was the best of times it was the worst of times; it was devastating, it was fun; it was triumphant it was chaotic.

After rejection, heartache, being ignored, being neglected and facing so much cruelty from every avenue in life I finally got my piece of success and a chance to establish a path for myself.

It felt rough. Although I have since made friends with those that attended my event the doubts of the past crept up because every former opportunity to make friends in the past just crumbled, nothing would stick, people were fake, they would act so rudely to my face for no reason, I hadn’t yet learned that wolves in sheep’s clothing’s are widespread. It made me feel so much unease with people. But now I believe I have found friends for life.

I got so depressed after the event and even when I made attempts to meet up with my new friends I was terrified they’d let me down or abruptly turn on me as so many others have done in the past. And that’s the problem: THE PAST. I NEED TO GET OVER THE PAST.

Before March 2016 I had NO friends, nobody in my vicinity to turn to and I had been single for years. It was an illogical and sickening time. Before I can even discuss the success I’ve had, I have to articulate the pain.

The pain that weighs so heavy on my heart and overwhelms me. The pain of being disappointed by every type of person/social group: friends/peers, family, colleagues, teachers, doctors and even a priest. Most importantly I’ve understood that an omission/a failure to act does not validly support nor does it have the right to exist as a thought/opinion that “oh people do like you, they’re just shy that’s why they’ve not said anything.” NO they made their choice, how are you supposed to know what a person is really like if they are not straight with you, if they keep quiet. It is dishonesty and I have no tolerance for dishonesty. The people of the past failed to show up, they FAILED to acknowledge me and it almost got me killed. There is a natural segment for people who are introverted and I am understanding of that but the rest are just a disappointment and a disgrace. How can you ignore talent, intelligence and beauty when it is in your vicinity? Quite frankly: how dare you?

But I didn’t have to apply these thoughts of disappointments to these NEW people I’ve met. They showed up, they took a chance on me when we were strangers and they’ve been straight-up nice to my face.

The other factor was that maybe people just want a piece of me.. That’s a tough pill to swallow and I suppose it comes with the territory when you pursue and succeed at a path few can achieve.

There’s been something of a grieving process because there’s so much that I’ve just never had, there’s no connection to the past. There’s a huge period of my life where I was just alone, no friends, no boyfriend, no best friend, nobody who knows what my favourite book is, nobody who knows what music I like…. The list is endless. How would you feel if there was not one single person in the world who could answer simple questions about yourself?It’s almost like having to grieve yet again about all that never was and never will be.

All of a sudden literally overnight having people actually speak to me and be straight up nice to my face was a shock to the system, it’s something that I had wanted and needed yet rarely received so for it to all happen at once ended up having the reverse effect when I came home. It was so shocking and it was so long awaited it felt like a slap in the face. It made me depressed. On reflection I see I cannot see things that way as these new faces are nothing like the people of the past and they deserve no comparison to those people from before.  I cannot bare to think of what state I would be in if recent events did not go well. If success made more depressed, I don’t know if I’d even still be here if things didn’t go swimmingly.

I feel I paid too high a price for what I have now made alone by myself for myself.  The only reward I have is to take it as far as I can and even that’s a tough path. I have no other choice the former would kill me, it almost did two years ago. I don’t even dare wander or allow it to enter my my mind about having a best friend or boyfriend because that’s too big a thing to expect from anyone; I can’t ignore the past at the end of the day people are who they are and tend to lean towards simply “just not.” Inaction is commonplace. Why else would there by a million-dollar motivational ‘industry’. It’s like I just need to see things for what they are but sadly the truth can be so obvious it is quite simply becomes HIDDEN in plain sight. But I do have a growing circle of friends which seemed an impossibility even in January 2016. My new friends are so valuable to me.

It’s hard knowing how to acknowledge the truths and harsh realities you’ve learnt from the past yet still give new people the benefit of the doubt and just clearly see them for who they are. I had done that for so long previously yet kept being disappointed it can destroy a person’s outlook. Suffice to say the people of the past were just plain wrong for me and the sooner I forget them the better. It was a series of unfortunate disappointing and rude encounters for no reason. It was at times maddening and nobody should have to face that kind of treatment.

It’s bittersweet because there’s such a huge cut off from age 16 until now that I’ll never have that young love I craved. I’ll never have that simple hometown kinda love and just have someone love me for me. Sometimes I wander if a guy is ever actually going to like the real me or just the fantasy of Catherine Vaughan because by the time I meet someone new I’ll be this established writer and performer there’s a big star shine quality to it and I don’t want a guy to be enchanted by that external shine and miss out on seeing my soul. Then again I never really had a guy like me for me before anyway they just picked whatever side of me they liked and focused on it and it was frustrating anyways which only fuels my sense of loss even more….. It’s just one more sad experience and something else I’ve lost out on.

If it’s something you’ve never had they why bother thinking about it? Well it feels integral to one’s well-being. It’s just something you’re supposed to have. Its absence is a strong presence…. It’s bad enough when on top of everything you’re entire existence: childhood, teen years just everything was so unhappy, no consistent parental connection, no memories of having grandparents and family gatherings. Just nothingness and wasted youth. People doing nothing but wasting your life away. The list of have-not’s is endless you just have nobody and the worst part is you’re this creative genius and nobody can see it or worse they don’t want to acknowledge it and worst of all they go to great lengths to ignore you, block you and try to stop you getting opportunities.

The saddest part is that I cannot perform again not for a very long time because it just makes me more depressed and near suicidal from the stress and anxiety of having to organize and set up the before/during and after elements of the event and the fact that these poems I write bring back painful memories from childhood and beyond. It’s like reliving the past and reading your diary out in public. I hate the huge price I’ve had to pay to get a chance at anything in life, everything was bought with my blood and I wander when will the pain end, when does it get easier?

I guess all I can do is keep on keeping on and just hope people get on my wavelength because truthfully that is the only thing that has changed. I’ve just finally had a circle of people accept and embrace me. Life is nothing without people accepting and just acknowledging you’re alive. If you don’t have that you honestly have nothing. You can be the best brain surgeon on the planet but if there’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing in the way you’ll lose that job and won’t be able to save lives. Your talent, skill and dedication to health care will become negated. What’s worse is that such scenario’s exist in life and it’s such a waste. You really are nobody until you have somebody. Essentially if the people around you are not the right people they are the wrong people.

People need people, we just have to pray that people choose the right people and don’t let the good get beaten down into invisibility which is the cruelest state to put a soul in by the scum of the earth: wolves in sheep’s clothing.

Love Catherine Logo Trans

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s