The End of an Era (Part 2)

I look back on these couple years and it’s been a tumultuous rollercoaster. But now I am off the ride and smiling to myself because I have everything I’m supposed to have and more, more than I could dream of…

But it’s been a ride I’ve been on alone and when you have good things happening in your life you want to share…You look around and there’s nobody else that gets it. It can be frustrating. Life is full of people that don’t see the world you do so hold tightly to those that do and don’t give up on that chance…But you know one day, someday soon you’ll get back all that you are owed.

Coupled with dreams I’ve been having and I’m searching for someone that knew me from way back then. Searching for someone that can tell me that 15 year old Catherine is still in you, I can see her in your eyes. You never lost the purest part of your soul. She’s still alive, you didn’t give up on her. You took care of her. Not just the teenager but the little girl you once were. You were there for her no matter what. She was counting on you to take care of her because nobody else was going to…

Dear Marie,                                                                                                      Tell me what it was I used to be? And if you’re further up the road can you show me what I still can’t see…Remember me. I’m the boy you used to love when you were 15. Now I wander what you think when you see me in a magazine…Some county judge in Ohio is all I ever find…Yeah I got that Dream…

Without those people around that knew you back then it makes a soul wander, who have I become? Without them you haven’t just lost someone you love you’ve lost a part of your soul and you’re waiting for it to be found and returned to you…But it will never come back. Because they are gone and so has that meaningful connection you once had with them. All you have are memories. When they leave, you lose a part of yourself you’ll never get back. The closest you ever get back to them is a memory but it’s bittersweet because each time you remember them you have plunged your mind, body and soul into a canyon of sorrow and regret. But we’re human so we take those quantum leaps into emotions…

I’ve written two life-changing poems that express loss which I’ll share soon. Though followers of my instagram will already know the “Dear Martin” poem. The second is titled “We can’t not honour you.” These poems are about people who are no longer here.

I thought I’d share the poetic background to these poems because it was very much inspired by JM. His music gives me a creative ROI it’s unreal. He perfectly encapsulates emotions into music.

“Dear Marie” is a song that crushes me, it kills me in the most poetic way possible. I could cry with syllables of rejoice in my voice as I fall to the ground, hands in my face, wanting to give up, wanting to reach out to all that was but never could be. It is a song as much about hope as it is about loss. You’ve lost something but you still have the hope in your heart that it will come back though you know it never can.

“You long for it, you trace the memories of days gone by to when they were still alive.” -Catherine Vaughan

This song perfectly illustrates loss yet I can’t take it off repeat. The song is that powerful. You want to forget but you can’t. It takes you on a chronological short detour of every loss imaginable. From the loss of your first love, loss of a loved one to realizing you’ve grown up and the world has broken you and smashed that soulful part of you in more ways than you can count. You’re never the same. How can you be when faced with such defeat? But the saddest part is that we have all been through it in some way or another; though others have a harder path….

This song also reminds me to keep writing and to let these poems out of me. I am after all a Romantic, not in the Hollywood sense of the word because all those movies leave me cold. I hate the Notebook: book version and film adaptation. That’s not love that’s obsession. A Romantic is someone who experiences the dichotomy of emotions. When faced with loss you also feel hope. When faced with True Love you’re aware of the despair. You feel too deeply and dream too wildly regardless of how shattered the world is. You have faith in calm after crisis and even if the world gives you nothing you know you have a safe haven in creativity. Then one day you’ll create a masterpiece that stuns the whole world. And everyone will love you but nobody will care to know you…Not really.

So I let it out. I bare my soul to the whole world through my poetry on @Catherine_VaughansWorld and publications. Unleashing the raw and unapologetic. Sometimes I feel self-conscious. These poems are searingly honest. But the most important fact is that it is all in the past. It caused me so much agony before that I deserve some form of compensation for the emotional turmoil I’ve been through and I feel Poetry is the reward. Besides nobody cared to ask, nobody was by my side so nobody really knows what it is all about anyway….

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