I was having a quick digital declutter of Word Files and naturally opened up some random sounding file names. To my amazement I found poetry, book proposals, book chapters and outlines that I had written 5 years ago. All beautifully crafted, well-structured and well-thought out.
Yet I somehow FORGOT all about these Writing Dreams!
How the hell could I forget the poetry I wrote alongside proposals of x2 non-fiction books I intended to complete and publish? I don’t recall actively shooting down these ventures at all. I don’t recall having doubt over the quality of my writing.
Looking at the dates these files were created in October 2010 just after I dropped out of University. Back then I had a weekend job and with the free time as a Law-school drop out I must have just started writing and pursuing my dreams. I do remember buying a book on non-fiction book proposals. Then from 2011 onwards I worked during weekdays too. I guess with the increase in workload I just stopped writing. But why? It is unlikely that self-doubt was plaguing me because I saw writing as a craft and that you improve with time etc.
Given how productive I had been in the last months of 2010-entering a poetry contest plus outlining my book proposal it completely puzzles me why I stopped writing. Another notable file made May 2011 is a further plan for the book too. So I stopped then I picked it up-briefly!
Writing is a very natural pursuit for me and is not tainted with insecurities like for example drawing. One of my personal goals is to incorporate drawing into my weekly schedule yet I have not accomplished it. Creating anything art-related is very emotionally charged for me because I always feel insecure about my drawing skills or lack thereof and given the sparse attempts I’ve made at it, it fills me with dread to get going because of wasted years not improving at it plus it always felt a waste of time-like it was not conducive to living a productive and efficient life. (In recent years my perspective has changed because I now feel life is to be enjoyed because conventional jobs are traps…*Don’t even get me started on that!*)
All I can deduce is that I focused too much on my job and cultivating work skills/employability. Presumably I may have just been insecure at being a Uni drop-out and was perhaps over-compensating by focusing on my job. Maybe that was it. It was just never as obvious a reason as why I do not paint and draw as much. It is sad to think how I subconsciously or otherwise just stopped writing but I’m back into it now and focused on doing what I want to do.
The confidence that comes with cultivating valuable and transferable work skills has, on a positive note, given me a strategic edge, hard-earned experience and a wealth of knowledge to pursue my publishing dreams. Life is a marathon not a sprint and at the end of the day you can never be on a wrong path because everything is for learning and it would be very boring to follow a linear path from Day 1.
Although I would say for myself that now a linear focus of my Dreams is something I need to actively engage in so I don’t repeat today’s borderline-regrettable reflections.
Anybody experiencing something similar? What are your thoughts?